


There's You in Everything I Do

by Eringo94



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Gen, Loki Needs a Hug, Odin is not totally a douche, Post-Thor: The Dark World, Protective Loki, Protective Thor, Thor Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 03:47:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9159076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eringo94/pseuds/Eringo94
Summary: In which Loki actually dies on Svartalfheim and Thor struggles to move on. No Slash. AU. Complete.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: So I’ve been writing this story on and off for the last two years. Yeesh. I’m not 100% satisfied with it but figured posting something was better than nothing right? Either way, I hope you enjoy it. This can be considered an AU and takes place directly after Thor 2. This is unbeta’d so any mistakes you see are mine. 
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything related to Marvel.

Thor stared out his bedchamber window. It was another beautiful night in Asgard. The stars twinkled and danced across the sky. The city was alight with laughter and happiness, basking in the defeat of Malekith, the leader of the Dark Elves. People were celebrating, dancing and drinking, toasting to their future king’s name. 

Thor!  
Thor!  
He saved the realms!

Thor supposed he should have felt some satisfaction over Malekith’s death. He did, in the seconds after hurling Mjollnir towards him, and hearing the crack he made after being thrown back towards his ship. In those moments, blood boiled in his veins, his vision went hazy with fury and vengeance, his muscles screamed in exhaustion as he put all his energy into annihilating him. He had wanted to rip him to shreds, wanted to see the life drain from his eyes for all the destruction and devastation he wrought to his country and his family. In those mere seconds, Thor tasted his victory. 

Staring out the window now, Thor felt only a distinct heaviness, as if the whole world was resting on his shoulders. He was on the verge of physical and mental collapse. The rage of battle fled from his body, and left him weary and exhausted. His bed was tempting, oh so tempting, and norns what he wouldn’t give to be under the sweet embrace of sleep, to simply forget the horrors of the last couple of days.

He couldn’t. And he knew why. Loki’s ghostly face lived under his eyelids. His brother, his reckless, brave, little brother, was dead. Thor sighed shakily and closed his eyes against the threat of tears. He remembered feeling this way before, remembered the pain of being separated from his brother when Loki let go of the bridge and fell into the abyss. In those seconds, Thor remembered seeing the hopeless resignation in his green eyes, the look of absolute torment and suffering. He let go, and in the act, tore out Thor’s heart. He remembered how happy he had been to find out that Loki was alive and well, and how devastated he was to learn how corrupt his brother had actually become. And just when they were beginning to piece the jagged pieces of their bond together, just when they had been beginning to laugh and joke like they used to, to love the way they used to, Loki died in his arms.

Life was a cruel, cruel thing, and all Thor wanted was for their roles to be reversed, for him to be bleeding out, and for Loki to be here now. 

Victory had never tasted so bitter. 

He promised Jane that he would be back, that he needed to speak to his father, and that he needed to oversee that Loki received a proper funeral. She nodded and smiled at him, told him that she understood. He regretted making that promise. How could he go back? How could he go back and what…pretend to be happy? The world had been ripped from under him two times. He didn’t know if he had the strength to stand on its crumbling platform anymore. 

He was just so tired.

The knock on the door startled him, and he whirled around, almost expecting some other disaster to be on his doorstep. 

“My prince…they found him. The king is waiting for you in the throne room.” Thor stiffened immediately and tried his best to unclench his jaw. His heart tightened in his chest and he couldn’t stop himself from clenching his hands. When he finally opened his eyes (he didn’t realize that he had closed them), he noticed the girl’s trepidation, and knew he had frightened her with his appearance. He did his best to loosen his features. “Thank you.” He plastered a smile on his face to appear reassuring and thankful. The servant dipped her head in respect and quickly left. The smile left his face just as quickly.

So father’s soldiers had found Loki’s body. He had brought him home. A wave of dizziness overcame him and he placed a hand on the wall to steady himself. Beads of sweat appeared on his forehead and for a second, he thought about excusing himself. The prospect of seeing Loki’s body made him want to retch the meager content of food he had gotten into his body a couple of hours ago. 

I have to. I need to see him.

To confirm for the final time that Loki was dead or to hope for the opposite, Thor wasn’t sure. 

With shaking hands, he left his room, and went to meet his father.

()()()

Odin was standing stiffly when Thor appeared in the throne room. Thor looked at his father, and was sadly reminded with how much he had aged in the last couple of years. Darkness clung to him, whirling around him and settling in his heart. Thor couldn’t bear to look at him, to see the king and father he respected rotting away before his very eyes. 

Instead he turned his attention to the body that was on the suspended makeshift bed, held by warriors. He couldn’t swallow past the lump in his throat, and just as suddenly as he wanted to see his brother, he wanted to run back upstairs and pretend that none of this was real. Under his father’s heavy gaze, however, Thor walked towards them. 

Thor almost turned away. Almost. Loki’s body had deteriorated since he had left him on Svartalfheim. He was a shriveled black thing, the fatal wound he had received at Kurse’s hand still angry and raw. He smelled of death. Slowly, softly, Thor danced the tips of his fingers across Loki’s stiff cheek. He was well aware that his father was watching him, but he didn’t care. His lips trembled and he smiled slightly. “Welcome home, brother,” he whispered. He almost broke, seeing Loki like this. Memories washed over him, of Loki stabbing the monster, saving Thor from imminent death, and embracing his own. His scream of agony as the steel ripped its way through his chest and out his back. The panic in his little brother’s eyes as he collapsed and tried to simply breathe. The minutes before his death, when Loki looked into his eyes and apologized for past transgressions, and loved him all the same.

I didn’t do it for him.

As if suddenly on fire, Thor let go of Loki and took in a gasping breath. His father’s gaze was still on him. He couldn’t look at him. Didn’t want to look at him. “He needs to be given a proper f-funeral,” he quietly said instead. He couldn’t stop his voice from stuttering around the last word, could barely manage to keep his legs from folding over the mounting pressure in his heart. Odin did not say anything, and Thor was afraid that his request would be ignored. Or worse, denied. He looked at his father just in time to see him nod slowly. Silently, he gestured for his men to take Loki’s body away, to be properly treated for the ceremony. “It will be held tomorrow night” Odin replied stoically. Thor nodded numbly and watched as healers appeared to take his brother. He did his best to stifle his panic as Loki was once again taken away from him. 

“You should get some rest Thor.” Thor nodded and forced himself to tear his eyes away from Loki. “Yes father,” he says hoarsely. As he made his way to his bedroom, Thor knew he would find no respite in sleep. 

()()()

Thor and Loki were in the latter’s room when Odin walked in. He was carrying two nicely wrapped parcels in his hands. The young boys rushed into their father’s arms, trying hard not to be too obvious about their excitement at seeing their father. Odin laughed happily and embraced both of his sons close to his chest. When Thor opened his gift, he gave an undignified cry of excitement at seeing the hammer his father had brought him. He brandished it in his hand wondrously. 

“Now Thor, this is not actually Mjollnir. I had this crafted for you in order to help you hone your skills,” Odin said proudly. “When you finally get to wield her, you will show Asgard how mighty you truly are.” 

Thor was overjoyed with the thought of practicing. “Thank you father! I shall start right away!” He turned towards Loki and saw his brother smiling at him. And yet… he did not look all that happy with his gift. More books. So fast that Thor could have sworn he missed it, he saw a twinge of yearning in his eyes. Jealousy. But that was nonsense surely! Loki loved his books!

“Do you like your books Loki? They should help you with your studies.” Loki plastered a wide smile on his face and hugged Odin. “I like them very much. Thank you father.”

And yet, it was only a week later that Thor caught Loki with his present. It was late; almost everybody had retired for the evening. He had not been able to sleep and went in search of his brother. He found him in the far corner of the enormous library; he went there to read or to seek solace there often. It was obvious that Loki had not heard him approaching, which surprised and excited Thor, for it was not very often that he could surprise him. He smirked slightly, thinking that perhaps he should take advantage of the situation. It would provide for a great story to tell to his friends. Hiding in the shadows of the bookshelves, he readied himself to sneak up behind Loki and scare him. 

He stopped mid-jump when he focused on what his brother was doing. Or holding. His eyes widened when he saw Loki slashing at the air with his hammer. He lacked any grace with the weapon. He wasn’t holding it right. His hands were too close together on the shaft. His stance was wrong. But Loki’s eyes were alit with exhilaration and excitement. Thor could see that he was trying attempting to imitate his own poses. His was vibrating with anticipation. 

“Loki?” he asked confusingly. 

Loki jumped at the intrusion. When he saw Thor, his eyes widened in horror. Thor was startled to see that his face had lost almost all of its color. He looked like a cornered animal. “Thor! Uh, I… I just wanted, he… here!” He thrust the hammer towards Thor, and it was all he could do to catch it before it fell to the ground. “I’m sorry!”

“Loki—” Before he could say anything else, Loki quickly walked past him and all but ran back to his room.

()()()

That morning was filled with people moving about, preparing for the funeral that night. Word had somehow gotten out, Thor didn’t have any remote idea as to how, that all the funeral preparations were for Loki, the God of Mischief, the Jotun runt, the traitor. Everyone was expected to attend the funeral. Swift punishment was to be handed out to those who wished to defy the king’s orders. Thor would see to it that every man, woman, and child was there to give their last respects to their prince.

Thor clenched his hands into tight fists as whispers circulated across the castle. He could feel the questions boiling at everyone’s lips. And yet nobody dared question him. Nobody dared speak in his presence. Not with the way he clenched Mjollnir in his hand and threatened to bring it down on their heads at any moment. He scoffed at the rumors, felt his blood boiling at the thought of Loki’s name on lips that would curse him. They didn’t know him. How could they? After the events of Midgard, Loki had been condemned, damned to rot in his cell till his death. They didn’t know of the Loki that so generously gave his life away so that his brother may continue to live. And so, as the whispers continued to circulate around Asgard, Thor simply held his breath, counted to ten in his head, and remembered Loki’s advice to not be so hardheaded.

Thor made sure to stay out of everyone’s way, making his way to the training square where he used to spend his time as a young boy. It was completely vacant now, rusted leaves swaying with the wind. He sat down heavily on the steps and tried his best to stifle the yawn that was threatening to escape his mouth. He did not sleep last night. How could he? He had paced back and forth instead, thinking of Loki and the grief that would befall him the next evening. 

He looked over the square, memories dancing across his eyes of him practicing here with his friends, with his father. He remembered the sweat rolling across his back and brow as the sun beat heavily down on them, remembered the exhilaration of swinging his hammer to meet the sword or ax, remembered not having a care in the world other than fighting, fighting and winning. He leaned against the stone wall, letting his head thud against it. He tilted his head slightly, and smiled a little upon seeing the lines carved in the corner. He would battle his friends and any other opponents who would dare fight him and tally his victories. He was so arrogant back then, highlighting his abilities to do combat, thinking that it was the only thing that mattered and not seeing the value in anything else.

He couldn’t help but smile then, imagining the way Loki would roll his eyes at him when he tried to explain a move, calling him an oaf and going back to what book he’d be reading. He said this with no heat in his voice, and his eyes would twinkle a bit, even as he tired his hardest to hide it. Oh Loki, how could we have drifted so far apart?

A warm hand on his shoulder made Thor tense up, made him look quickly behind him, fearing the worst. For a split moment he thought it was Loki, playing at being dead, and having come to laugh in his face for being so gullible, maybe—

“Apologies Thor. I did not mean to startle you.” A woman’s voice. Sif. Thor gazed up at her, noticed the sadness and concern in her green eyes, and smiled wanly.

“Its alright Sif. I could use the company anyway.” He wasn’t entirely sure if that was true. Her smile was enough to persuade him though, and she took a seat next to him. They were silent for the first few minutes, both taking comfort in each other’s presence. Thor cleared his throat and spoke first.

“Were you and the others treated fairly after… our departure?” he asked. He hadn’t see Sif or the others since he and Loki escaped Asgard. Guilt clenched his heart, thinking about it now, that he didn’t take the time to visit his friends. They sacrificed so much in order to help he and Loki escape. The least he could have done was seen how they were faring. 

Sif looked at him and chuckled a little. “The All-Father had us all thrown in the dungeons for a day. It was not anything we couldn’t handle. Fandral had a little too much fun antagonizing the guards, I think.” Thor looked away, worry and displeasure eating at him. His friends were jailed for their loyalty to him. A hand around his chin turned his face towards her. “Truly Thor, we are alright. We were let out after a day.” Thor looked into her blue eyes, saw how open and honest they were, and nodded reluctantly. She held her hands to his face a little longer than necessary before letting them drop to her knees.

“Do you remember when we used to train here?” he asked, distracting her. Sif looked around and smirked. “Of course. I remember all the times I had you beaten on the floor,” she said mockingly. The beginnings of a smirk were beginning to form on Thor’s face and he was ready to retort, ready to show her all the lines etched next to his name (though to be fair, she plenty herself) when she spoke again.

“You also attempted to teach Loki how to wield a weapon I remember. The hammer. Though we all remember how that turned out…” Thor felt a chill go up his spine, not entirely due to the cold. He remembered that day well. 

“Thor?” He snapped his attention to Sif again, not realizing that he had drifted. “Are you alright?” He stared straight ahead and nodded stiffly, refusing to meet her gaze. He heard her sigh gently besides him. It was a couple of minutes before she spoke again.

“I’m sorry about Loki.” Thor did not trust his voice, and simply nodded. She thought that bringing up his brother was what left him so gutted. It was. But it was also the carefree way she spoke about that particular day, as if she still did not see the ramifications of how they had all reacted to Loki’s actions. She most likely didn’t.

“—a brave man when it truly mattered.” Thor did not catch the rest of what she said. He nodded all the same, and reassuringly squeezed her hand. 

“Where will you go after the funeral?” she asked suddenly. It was an odd question, and Thor turned back to her quizzically. Her eyes were suddenly hard with determination and some other emotions that he dared not look too deeply into. 

“I—” He knew the answer that Sif wanted to spill from his mouth. He was aware of her infatuation with him- only a blind man would not be able to see it. And yet his heart belonged to Jane. He sighed deeply and braced himself from the pain his words would no doubt cause her. 

“I’m leaving Asgard after the funeral. Jane awaits my arrival back in Midgard.” There it was. No matter how hard she tried, he could still see how her countenance cracked with pain and grief. He hated this. He hated seeing Sif hurt, hated being the one to cause her unnecessary pain. Hadn’t they all suffered enough already?

“She cannot rule as queen of Asgard, Thor. No outsider can.” She said this stiffly. Thor didn’t reply, playing with the leaves on the ground. No, she cannot. “I’m giving up my right to the throne. I will tell my father this after the funeral.” 

Stunned silence. Then, “What? Thor you- you can’t.” Thor closed his eyes. He was still so tired. “Its because of her isn’t it? You would abandon your birthright for the sake of a mortal-”

“I can’t be the king of Asgard, Sif,” he said, more sharply than he intended. “I’m not ready. I don’t think I will ever be ready. L-Loki was right. He was better suited to be king.” Thor could see the fire in her eyes, her desire to argue his words, to denounce their truths. “Sif… I love her.” He stared at her, let her see the raw honesty in his eyes. Her own eyes clouded in hurt, and she quickly looked away from him. He didn’t look at her, allowing her to gain composure over her features, to mask how he hurt her. It was the least he could do. 

She got up stiffly, looking anywhere but at him. Thor got up too and because he couldn’t stand seeing her like this, and enveloped her in a hug. Her stiff posture gave way and soon enough she was hugging him back. Gently, he pressed a kiss to her brow and murmured, “you will find someone worthy of you Sif. I promise.” But it’s not me. Sif nodded and sighed shakily, looking down. Eventually she pulled away from him, putting a couple of feet between them. She took in a deep breath to steady herself, and when she met his eyes again, he saw a tentative smile pulling at her lips. “I hope she makes you happy, Thor,” she said sincerely. Thor smiled too. She does. He turned to leave, to go somewhere, anywhere, when Sif called out to him. “I don’t suppose you want to spar a bit do you? For old times sake.” She was smirking, holding onto the hilt of her sword, the challenge already glinting in her eyes. “Then we’ll see who is truly the better warrior.” 

Thor couldn’t help himself. He laughed. It felt good too. With everything that happened, was happening, he felt as if he hadn’t laughed genuinely in a long time. “Oh Sif, you know you’ve beaten me more times than I can count.” But the prospect of sparring now, when Loki’s funeral only hours away… he didn’t think he could do it. Sif must have noticed the way his eyes turned downcast, because she smiled gently and gasped his shoulder softly. “Next time then.” 

“I look forward to it.” Sif chuckled and gave him one last kiss on the cheek before taking her leave. When Thor couldn’t see her anymore, he looked at the sky. It was cold, he thought. Nightfall was nearly upon them. He needed to leave. He needed to bathe and prepare himself for Loki’s funeral. Looking back at the darkening square one last time, Thor remembered the look of utter dejection on Loki’s face as shoved past Thor and his friends and ran along the same pavement that Sif just had. He wondered if that was the day Loki started hating him. 

()()()

It takes exactly ten whole seconds before Thor was racing after Loki. The hammer was hanging limply from his hand as he ran to catch up with him. He yelled an apology when he narrowly avoided crashing with one of the maids. He somehow knew without a doubt that Loki escaped into his room. He tried to catch his breath when he got there. He hoped that Loki didn’t lock the door. Fearfully, he reached for the doorknob, and was relieved when it turned to the right. Slowly, he opened the door and stepped inside his darkened room.

Loki’s room was completely different from his. While his was lit up with bright oranges, reds, and yellows, Loki’s looked as if it was cast under a shadow. He had always preferred darker colors- greens and blacks. His desk was cluttered with books and parchment paper (Thor did not even have a desk in his room). It was so odd to think they shared the same blood sometimes. 

“Why are you in my room Thor?” Thor whirled around as Loki exited his connected bathroom. Thor was not prepared for the vitriol in his younger brother’s voice. The hard glint in his green eyes left him feeling cold and vulnerable, and he suddenly wanted to leave. 

“I… You…—” Clumsily, he made a gesture towards the hammer still hanging limply in his hand. When Loki saw it, Thor noted that some of the anger left his eyes. Acceptance filled them instead.

“I said I was sorry Thor. I wont touch it again. Now can you get out? I’m getting ready to go to sleep.” Thor stared at his brother. For reasons he couldn’t explain, his stomach churned at seeing Loki look so… resigned.

“No Loki, its not that. I was just shocked that you took any interest in learning about combat.” Loki flinched at this and turned his head away. Thor scrambled to recover the conversation. “I mean, you can practice with it anytime you like. I’m not angry that you took it. Honestly Loki. Its just that—” he cuts of abruptly. 

“Its just what exactly?” Loki snaps.

“Did you not like the books that father brought back for you?” He looked deeply into his brother’s eyes, looking for any signs of deception lurking in them. He wasn’t surprised when his eyes gave nothing away. “Yes, Thor. I enjoyed them. Unlike you, reading is not a punishment for me. Now will you please leave? Why are you making this into such a big deal if you are not mad? I would like to go to bed.”

Thor sighed and nodded. Honestly, he didn’t know why he was making this into such a big deal, either. So what if Loki took the hammer. “Alright brother. Good night. I’ll see you in the morning?” he asked hopefully. Loki made an mhmm sound and turned his back to him. Thor watched him crawl into his bed. Dejectedly, Thor knew the conversation was over.

Thor spotted the books father gave him in the corner of the room. They were unopened, the leather binds uncut. Thor didn’t know what to make of Loki’s lie. He wanted to argue with him. He wanted to shake his brother by the shoulders and yell that none of this made sense, to let him in, to talk to him—

He closes the door and walks to his own room, the hammer hanging limply in his hands.

…

After thinking about it all night, Thor woke up early the next morning, earlier than when Loki usually woke up, and silently made his way back to the library. He was careful that people did not see him. It was a secluded area, only inhabited by Loki, and sometimes him. It fit that Loki would choose a place like this to seek solace. There was a bench underneath the window, and when the sun was at its peak, Frigga’s flowers seemed to sparkle. Thor saw the sun rising. It was a beautiful sight to behold.

Quietly he unhooked the hammer from his belt, and laid it on the bench. He would leave it there for Loki. Perhaps he needed it more than he did. Feeling satisfied with himself, he left.

That afternoon, Thor snuck away from his tutor and made his way to the library. He wanted to know if Loki took it. The bench was empty! Loki must have taken it. During dinner that night, Thor looked at Loki, trying to get a read on his brother. However, Loki didn’t give anything away, and Thor didn’t bring it up, as much as he wanted to.

()()()

Thor gingerly entered the warm bath prepared by the maids, his skin prickling as the heat met his tender flesh. He couldn’t help groaning a little as he fully submerged himself in the warm water, letting his head fall back with a soft thud and closing his eyes. For the first time in days- weeks even- he allowed himself to relax, allowed his muscles loosen and just succumb to the creeping exhaustion that had plagued him. He cupped some water and splashed it onto his face, cleaning off the sweat and dirt from it.

It was quiet. Loki’s funeral began in an hour. Thor assumed everyone was outside. His father was nowhere to be found all day. Not that he went looking for him. You would have to be blind to not see the tension between them. He hated it, but he didn’t know how to fix it. He deliberately disobeyed his command, enlisted the help of his friends, freed Loki, and went after Malekith. He committed treason. He did not expect to be welcomed back with open arms after that. He showed no emotion at hearing about Loki’s death, of learning about his sacrifice, merely ordered his guards to retrieve his body. He was curious about what his father thought in that instance.

Sighing gently, Thor picked up the soap and began to lather his body with it. He cursed when it became too slippery in his hand and dropped into the soapy water. Acting instantly, he ducked both of his hands in the water and began his desperate search for it. The water swayed back and forth as his hands roamed the polished surface of the bathtub. When his hands made contact with the soap, he gently grabbed it and brought it to the surface. A memory came unbidden to his mind as he stared at it. When he and Loki were mere toddlers, and their mother would bathe them together, they would purposely drop whatever soap they were using and would see who would find it first. The memory brought a smile to Thor’s face, as he remembered how competitive he and Loki became. Their mother would laugh at them and would even participate in throwing the bar of soap so that no cheating ensued. 

Laughing came so easily back then.

Thor shook his head, clearing his head of the memory and washed himself quickly after that. He got out of the bath and wrapped a towel around his waist, walking to his adjoining room. His armor was already laid out for him, Mjollnir resting right next to it. Without thinking he began to dress himself.

It was after he was completely dressed, that he got a glimpse of it. In the corner of the room, covered almost completely in dust on its pedestal, was the first hammer his father had gotten him. Thor swallowed past the lump in his throat and forced himself to make his way to it. Truthfully, the hammer was nothing like Mjollnir. It did not have any of its magnificent abilities. It was a pale replication of her. And yet… Thor caressed the hammer tentatively, the memories washing over him. He gave this hammer to Loki, remembering the envy and sadness in his brother’s eyes, how awful those emotions made Thor feel. He had wanted to make Loki happy, to make him feel accepted. Even back then Loki’s differences had not gone undetected, Thor thought bitterly.

A knock on his door distracted Thor from his thoughts. “Yes?” he asked gruffly. “Its time, Thor.” Sif. Thor breathed through his nose and forced himself to unclench his hands. He was suddenly not prepared for this. “I’m coming,” he said, trying to bring make his voice as calm as possible. His heart thumping in his throat was not making it easy. 

Desperately, he observed the hammer one last time, remembering how happy Loki looked playing with it in the library that first time he saw him. He also remembered how he had thrust it back at him that day on the training square, his eyes brimming with defeat and humiliation, and all but ran away from him and his friends. He stared at the hammer, at this object that had brought them close together, and just as quickly ripped them apart. He took the hammer in his hands. He rubbed at it gingerly, turning it around in his hands, and did his best to clear it of dust and other particles. He knew he should put it back, meet Sif and go to the funeral. The past was the past, and there wasn’t anything he could do to change it. 

Another knock on the door. “Thor?” 

Thor shook his head as if to clear it, and without thinking about it, attached the hammer to his belt, next to Mjollnir. He wordlessly exited his room. Sif looked up and downy his body, and if she wondered why Thor had two hammers attached to his person, she did not comment on it. Together, they walked to Loki’s funeral. 

()()()

Every morning this past week, Thor woke up early and tiptoed his way to the library, where he hoped he would see Loki practicing with the hammer. He didn’t understand why that fascinated him, why he would get so excited to possibly see his brother use his hammer. He couldn’t stop the heavy disappointment from filling his heart at seeing Loki’s secret spot empty. He didn’t understand that either. Eventually, he decided to check in again every evening before he retired for bed. Every time, he was met with the same emptiness. Grudgingly, Thor would head to his bedroom, crawl under his covers, and try to stop the specks of doubt from clouding his mind.

He just didn’t understand. Loki wanted the hammer right? He saw the yearning in his eyes. It couldn’t have been anything else. And besides, he took it didn’t he? He left is specifically for Loki- nobody else ventured that deep into the library. So why didn’t his brother say anything? It was all a mystery to Thor, and he felt as if the maze that was his brother’s mind just become deeper, more complex. Now, more than any time in his life, he wanted his brother’s trust. He wanted Loki to open up to him. Life had been wonderful between then when they had been small children. Thor didn’t know when they started to drift.

At breakfast, Loki would act as if nothing had transpired between them, as if the past couple of weeks had not happened. He would politely ask Thor to pass the sausage, murmur a quiet thank you, and would start with a conversation with their mother about a new spell he had learned. Thor would stare at Loki, hoping that he would see the questions burning in his eyes that he would never dare speak aloud in front of their parents. Loki would only give him a second’s worth of a glimpse, and would dart his eyes away from him, talking more in depth with Frigga. Thor would stare at his breakfast, his usual enormous appetite gone, and would try to get some food down anyways so as to not draw any attention. Odin would draw him into a conversation, and Thor would hastily shake away his thoughts and attempted to pay attention. He never noticed how Loki would subtly tilt his head in their direction every time this happened.

This morning wasn’t any different. His excitement quickly turned into disappointment when he entered the library and walked to Loki’s spot. He went back to his bedroom and lay in his bed until he was called for breakfast. He sighed tiredly and made his way to the dining hall. Mother and father were already seated and eating. 

“Good morning dear,” Frigga called sweetly. Thor smiled warmly at his mother as he took a seat next to her. “Good morning mother, father.” Odin smiled and continued to talk to his wife. Thor waited patiently as the servants served him a nice helping of breakfast meats and fruit. He was hungry this morning, and everything smelled deliciously pleasant. He had just started taking his first couple of bites when Loki entered the room. Thor immediately noticed something was wrong. Loki hid it well, but Thor could tell that his brother was favoring his left leg as he walked over to them. Thor’s pulse quickened when he saw the flash of pain in Loki’s eyes as he took a seat at the table, across from Thor. “Good morning,” he mumbled quietly and without waiting, served himself food from the table. 

As sudden as his appetite came to life, it quickly disappeared. Something was wrong. Someone had hurt his brother. Loki must have felt his gaze on him because he looked up from his food and glared at Thor. “Is there something wrong?” he asked. In the bright light, Thor could see the faintest traces of a bruise on his brother’s temple, hidden well with creams. Thor’s heart jumped out of his chest, and something within him roared with unrestrained fury. Before thinking about his next words, before thinking about the potential consequences of his actions, he blurted the first thing that came to his mind. 

“What happened to your face?” Loki became as stiff as a wall and glared daggers at him. Odin and Frigga, who had been talking quietly amongst themselves, both looked at Loki, alarmed. Frigga leaned towards Loki and gently cupped his face with both of her hands. Loki squirmed to get away from her grasp. “Mother, I’m fine. Please, I just took a bit of a tumble last night during my studies. I must have been more tired than I thought I was and I slipped. Really. I’m alright. It doesn’t even hurt.” Loki’s words could not dissuade their mother’s concern. She shared a look with Odin, who looked at Loki in a strange way. Loki’s attempts to not look at their father were not unfounded by Thor, and it only made his anger and frustration all the more palpable. He couldn’t help but speak again, couldn’t help the heat in his tone as he thought of his brother being deliberately hurt.

“Did someone do this to you Loki? Who was it?” How long had this been going on? Why didn’t he notice this earlier? 

Why didn’t Loki tell him?

A faint red began to spread across Loki’s face as he continued to glare murderously at Thor. If looks could have killed him, Thor would have been in pieces on the floor. He didn’t miss the glance Loki aimed at their father’s direction, and how he swiftly looked away from him, almost as if he was ashamed. “Nobody did this to me Thor. Like I told mother, I slipped on a book on the floor and hit my head on the shelf. I would appreciate it very much if you wouldn’t butt your head into matters that don’t concern you,” he all but seethed. Thor was taken aback by his brother’s vehemence. Just as quickly, however, he wanted to argue. Why was he limping? Come to think of it, Loki was tracing the left side of his waist almost gingerly yesterday at breakfast. Did he have a bruise there as well? Was something broken? 

Why didn’t his brother tell him?

Before he could say something, anything, Loki shoved himself away from the table and marched out of the room. Thor cringed when the door was slammed with a loud thud. Instinctively, he got up to, determined to run after Loki and get to the bottom of this, to find out who was bullying him. He only made it one step before his father called him. “No, Thor. Let him be. If he said that he slipped, then he slipped.” Thor whirled around, ready to protest, wanting to yell at his father for believing Loki’s lie so easily. Something in his father’s eyes stopped him though. His blue eyes were filled with poorly masked concern, and, to Thor’s surprise, shame. Who that was directed at, Thor did not know. And as everything in his being yearned to chase after his brother, he swallowed against the lump in his throat, stiffly sat back down, and tried to get himself together. He grasped his fork and knife in both of his hands to prevent them from visibly shaking. He stared at the door miserably, feeling helpless. He didn’t notice the reproachful look that his mother gave to his father.

He didn’t see Loki for the rest of the day. 

()()()

Odin did not look at Thor when he stood next to him at the head of the long canal. Thor did not look at him either, choosing instead to look up at the sky. It was another calm and peaceful night in Asgard. Loki would have enjoyed the sight, he thought. Whereas Thor basked in the light, always loved how the sun danced across his golden skin, Loki preferred staying in the shadows.

Thor looked ahead towards the sand and sea, unable to bring himself to look down towards the canal beneath him, where he knew the pyre was gently floating in the water… Loki’s body lying comfortably there. Instead, he noted how the entire city was present for Loki’s funeral. Whether they came willingly or not, Thor did not know. Nor did he care. He saw Sif standing with Hogun, Fandral and Volstagg. She caught his eye and smiled encouragingly. Thor offered a small nod and smile in return, and took a deep breath to steady himself before he looked away. He saw the archer, ready to pierce the arrow through the pyre that would cause it to burn. He cast a sideways glance at his father, saw Gungnir in his father’s hand, ready to begin the incantations for the funeral. 

The funeral. 

It was really happening. This would be the last time he would see Loki. He could have had all the time in the world to prepare for this, and it wouldn’t have been enough. The old hammer on his belt weighed heavy.

He looked down then, unable to shed his panic at the thought of not seeing his brother for one last time. His felt his eyes burn with hot tears at the sight of Loki. Flowers surrounded his entire frame. They made Loki seem much more delicate than he was. The healers had cleaned him up well. He was dressed in his usual attire, his gold and green armor glimmering in night. They had cut his hair short again, its length back to what it used to be before Thor had been banished all those years ago. His hands were folded on his chest. If it wasn’t for the nonsexist rise and fall of his chest, Thor would have thought that his brother merely slumbered. Oh how Thor wished for that, how he wished that Loki would pull one of his typical tricks and open his eyes to smirk at Thor, to call him a gullible oaf for playing right into his hands once again. But life was cruel, and saw to it that he not only loose his mother, but his brother as well. Loki didn’t open his eyes. He stayed just as still as the last time he saw him. 

He saw Odin raise Gungnir, knew that when he pressed it down again, Loki’s pyre would begin its journey towards the sea… and away from Thor. He suddenly knew what to do. 

“Wait,” he murmured quickly. Odin looked at him, confusion swimming in his eye. Everyone looked at Thor, not understanding. He paid them no attention though, slowly getting down to his knees besides Loki. He remembered a long time ago, when they were both still small, he promised their mother that he would always be there for Loki, promised to always watch out for him, to be the best brother that he could possibly be. He had rolled his eyes at her, wanting to go out and play with his friends instead of being lectured by his mother on things he thought were obvious. All these years later, Loki was dead, killed saving him, and he couldn’t bear to think of how miserably he failed to uphold his promises. He’d been failing for a long time. 

His voice shook when he spoke. “I’m sorry, brother,” he whispered. I wasn’t strong enough to protect you. I didn’t see that you were suffering until it was too late. I’ve failed you as a brother. I’m so sorry. He wanted to say all of this, wanted to scream it up into the sky. He didn’t though. Instead, he choked back the sob that threatened to tear its way from his throat, and shakily moved to unclasp the hammer hanging from his belt. Gently, he placed it on Loki’s chest, clasping his hands around its shaft so that it was secured. 

“It’s always been yours, Loki.” And it was. He realized now, all these years later, how all Loki wanted in his life was to fit in. He saw the hammer as that acceptance. He wanted it to prove that he could be just like Thor, a warrior of Asgard, a true prince of Asgard. He wanted to prove that he was worthy to Thor and to father. He saw all of that now, and regretted not seeing it sooner- the very moment he was given it as a gift. Giving Loki the hammer now symbolized Thor’s love and absolute acceptance of his brother. Showed him how worthy he was in his eyes. With the hammer, he gave Loki the respect he had craved all his life. “I shall see you again in Valhalla one day. I—” he choked then, the tears finally running their way down his face as he stood up stiffly to stand besides his father again. He could practically feel everyone’s gaze pressing down on him. He refused to look at them, only staring down at Loki’s body. He almost didn’t hear Gungnir slamming onto the floor minutes later, only saw how the pyre slowly made its way towards the sea. They followed it, Thor falling into step besides it. This comforted him in a way. It felt as if he was at least guiding his brother though all of this. 

Eventually, however, the canal ended, and Loki was floating away into open water. Thor stopped walking at the water’s edge, feeling as if a piece of his soul was being ripped away from him. He wanted to keep on being there for Loki, thought about wading into the water besides him. A warm hand gently weaving its way into his own stopped him though, and he looked sideways to see Sif there. She didn’t look at him however, her eyes focused on Loki’s pyre, which was floating more and more away from them. From him. 

He numbly saw the archer light up his arrow, heard the swoosh sound it made as it cut though the air and landed perfectly on Loki’s funeral bed. Saw how tiny embers became gigantic flames, how they enveloped the entire pyre, burning Loki and birthing him anew. 

It was only when the pyre was at the edge of the sea did Odin slam his spear onto the earth again. Thor flinched at its finality, grasped tightly at Sif’s hand when Loki’s burning pyre floated in midair for a couple of seconds before it fell beyond where Thor could see. But not before Loki’s soul departed from his body, specks of shimmering lights making their way towards the Heavens, towards Valhalla, and their mother. 

A single white orb was released into the air, signifying the passing of Loki Laufeyson from this world and into the next.

Thor closed his eyes and hung his head. I love you Loki.

()()()

Thor didn’t sleep well that night. He was constantly tossing and turning, unable to get Loki out of his thoughts. He kept thinking about the disastrous breakfast with Loki that morning, of how defensive and angry Loki had seemed. It seemed foolish to Thor that Loki acted the way he did. All he had wanted to do was help. They were brothers. Brothers looked out for each other right? Eventually, he fell into an uneasy sleep.

It was still early when he woke up, and he contemplated forcing himself to go back to sleep. He sighed loudly, however, and swung his legs to the floor instead. He looked outside his window, and grimaced when he saw that the sun was barely visible. All his thoughts from last night came back to the forefront of his mind, and he knew he wouldn’t be sleeping anymore. However, as it was still too early, Thor decided to take a walk outside the castle. He got dressed quickly and left. He considered going to the library first, but quickly decided against it. He knew Loki was not there. 

The brisk air was appreciated as he snuck his way past the guards and into the outside world. The chilly air distracted him from thinking about how tired he was. He walked alongside his mother’s vast garden, enjoying the view of blooming flowers and exotic plants. The trees were tall here- but no so tall that you couldn’t see the sun when it shined.

He continued walking, past the gardens, all the while thinking of Loki. He realized that he had made an error in how he reacted yesterday morning. It was only now, unclouded from his anger, that he saw that he embarrassed Loki. He embarrassed him in front of their parents. Loki had always told him to be more sensible towards other peoples feelings besides his own. Needless to say, he regreted speaking so impulsively. Besides, Loki had ways to defend himself- he was studying sorcery after all. He was sometimes an unwilling participant in Loki’s tricks. Loki was capable of defending himself. 

And yet that led to more questions. Why didn’t Loki use his magic against them- the people who hurt (were hurting?) him? Was his magic not strong enough? Was he battling other magicians? He cast that last thought away. There weren’t many people who could perform sorcery. His brother couldn’t have gotten into a duel with others like him in Asgard. Thor frowned at nothing in particular as he marched on. The only thing he was certain about was that in the middle of all this uncertainty, lay the hammer his father had gifted to him. 

The sounds of grunting and something swinging in the air made Thor pause, alertness coursing through him. He quickly ducked behind a bush. He had made his way to the courtyard- it was too early for anybody to be training there. Cautiously, he looked over the bush. His eyes widened in disbelief at who he saw there. 

It was Loki, standing in the middle of the yard. And he was wielding the Thor’s hammer around, swishing and swooshing at the air with it, as if he was fighting some invisible enemy. He cocked his head to the side, and couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face. All this time he had been going to the library, thinking that Loki would use the hammer there like their first encounter. No, his brother had been coming to the courtyard everyday it seemed. After a couple or so minutes of observing, Thor couldn’t help but be a little impressed with his brother’s skills with the weapon. He had never seen Loki fight with a weapon other than his magic. Where had he learned all of that? Not from him. And certainly not father. The question still remained: Why was Loki doing all of this? 

Thor snapped out of his thoughts when Loki spun to the side, attempting to land a strike with the hammer- Thor thought too late that Loki’s footing was terrible and he couldn’t stop Loki from crashing down to the floor with a groan. Concern spiked in his chest, knowing that he was still sore- and without a second thought- went to go help him. However, seeing Loki on the floor like that, shaking his head as if to clear it, seemed humorous, and he laughed a bit. 

Loki whirled around on the floor, and when he saw him staring at him, his face flushed a deep red and he stood up quickly, patting off dust from his legs and arms. 

“What are you doing here Thor?” he snapped angrily. Thor sobered up quickly at his brother’s tone and tried to think of something to say. Loki didn’t give him any time to, and stalked off away from him, towards the castle. Thor reacted instinctively, grabbing Loki’s hand and pulling him towards him. 

“Loki-no- I-I’m sorry. About yesterday. I shouldn’t have embarrassed you like that. I’m sorry. Truly.” Loki did not look at him when he said all this, only glared at the floor as if it had done something to offend him. Thor looked at him earnestly, wanting his brother’s forgiveness. After a couple of seconds, Loki sighed deeply and looked up at Thor resignedly. He nodded stiffly at him and pulled himself away from him. Thor beamed at him.

“Why are you up so early, Thor?” Thor shrugged his shoulders. “Sleep would not find me. Besides… it is a good thing I found you here… you look as if you need some guidance.” Loki glared at him but said nothing and patted the dirt from his clothing.

Thor grinned and clapped Loki’s shoulder gently. “I can teach you how to use the hammer if you want, brother,” he said excitedly. Loki raised an eyebrow in doubt. “No thanks. I’ll get along just fine without you.”

“Oh common Loki! It’ll be fun! Besides, helping you will help me hone my skills just as well. We’d be helping each other,” he stated confidently. Perhaps with proper training, Loki would be able to defend himself against the people that hurt him. He didn’t say this out loud; he knew how his brother would react. 

Loki eyed him suspiciously, and Thor made sure his smile was nothing but genuine. For a split moment, he thought Loki would actually reject his offer. Thor sighed in relief when he nodded slowly.

“Alright Thor. Where do you propose we start,” he said tauntingly. Thor ignored his brother’s remark, still elated that they were talking again, interacting again. For his part, he smirked right back at his brother. “Perhaps we should start with your footing, brother. The floor bested you better than any opponent could.” He laughed loudly when Loki glared at him again. 

“Alright, firstly, brother, when you fight, you should always keep one foot in front of the other at a slight angle. This will help you keep your balance and put more strength in your attacks.” He showed Loki physically what he meant when he spoke. “Also, when you move to strike at an opponent, do not be afraid to move your entire body with the movement. Your weapon is part of you- another limb really. You have to move fluidly with it and—”

“How do you know so much?” Loki asked. Thor shrugged. “I practice a lot with my friends. And father, of course.” Loki looked away at that, and for some reason, that made Thor uneasy. “Here, let me show you how to wield it,” he said uncertainly.

For the next hour, Thor helped Loki practice how to wield the hammer. It had been awkward in the beginning, with each of them unsure of themselves, and what they were doing. Eventually, however, the tension and anxiety between them lessened- much so that they barely felt it. Thor found that he enjoyed teaching Loki. He was careful to not teach him anything to strenuous for his still healing body. While Loki didn’t complain, Thor knew he was still sore. His brother was an excellent student (of course) and always did as Thor instructed him. When he told Loki that, his brother grinned proudly at him. He thought he imagined the hope that shined through his green eyes. It wasn’t long before they were both laughing and playfully pushing each other around.

It was only when Thor’s stomach rumbled that they stopped. He didn’t realize how ravenous he was. “Lets go back home Loki. Maybe we can do this tomorrow as well?” He hoped that he didn’t sound as desperate as he thought he did. His worry evaporated when he saw Loki smile. 

“Don’t be late.”

He wasn’t. He arrived bright and early in the morning at the courtyard the next morning. This time, he brought with him an old sword he had in his room. Loki was already there, waiting for him with the hammer. They smirked at each other, and began where they had left off the day before. 

This continued this for a week- Thor waking up early and going to the courtyard to practice with Loki. Thor was the happiest he had ever been. His friends didn’t know why he was so happy- more happy than usual, according to them. He looked forward to going to sleep and waking up to spar with Loki. He wasn’t ashamed to admit that it was the highlight of his day. He hoped that Loki felt the same. 

He should have known that it wasn’t going to last. 

On the tenth day of their morning sparring sessions, Thor had just finished giving Loki tips on how to better parry with the hammer. He clapped Loki hard on the back and hugged him close, elated at his progress. “You did well Loki.” Loki huffed a smile and wiped the sweat from his brow. “You should really come train with me and our friends. They would be glad to give you a few pointers.” More seriously he added, “You can train with me and father too.” Thor was not prepared to see how hopeful and excited Loki looked at that. He wasn’t sure how to respond to the raw honesty in his brother’s eyes. He didn’t get a chance too.

The sounds of laughter behind them made Thor turn around. Five kids, about their age, sauntered there way towards them, each of them wearing a smirk across their face. Thor immediately got a bad vibe from them, and glared at them. He didn’t like how they snickered at them, how they were subtly pointing at them (more so at Loki), how their eyes shined with malice, of intention to do harm. 

He felt Loki tense up next to him, noticed how his breathing seemed to quicken just a bit. He stood up straighter and moved to put a little bit of distance between the two brothers. It clicked in Thor’s mind then, these were the boys that were bullying his brother- that beat him up. White-hot rage courses through his body then, and he snarled at them. He was going to beat them just like they beat Loki. Nobody beat his brother and got away with it. Loki seemed to sense his rage because he grabbed his wrist tightly and squeezed it, holding him back. 

“Look at that boys- Loki’s decided to try to be a true Asgardian warrior! What’s the matter huh? Got tired of being an ergi?” one of them yelled. He must have been the leader of the group, Thor thought. He stood in front of the other boys, his hands crossed around his chest confidently.

Thor saw Loki’s jaw clench, as he glared at them. A flicker of shame crept into his eyes, and Thor never wanted to hit someone so badly in his life. 

“Careful with your words in front of me.” He was already deciding the best way to deal with these vermin. He did not want to think about the fact that they were outnumbered. “I will not hesitate to strike you where you stand,” he threatened darkly. Of all the things he expected them to do, he did not expect them all to laugh outright. The boy who spoke took a step forward, his hand touching the hilt of a sword attached to his belt.

“So you need your brother’s protection do you? I’ve never seen someone as more pathetic than you. Why don’t you tell him to shut up and let you fight your own battles like a proper warrior!” While he spoke to Loki, he was glowering at Thor, his teeth bared and his hands clenched. The boys behind him snickered maliciously.

“A proper warrior? Is that what you are? You are all nothing but cowards! Why don’t you come here and show me how strong you really are you miserable—”

“Thor, stop,” Loki said quietly. Thor stared at his brother, unable to keep his anger and frustration at bay. But Loki did not look at him- he kept staring at the four teenage boys in front of him. When he stepped forward and picked up the hammer he had dropped, Thor miserably understood that Loki meant to fight him. That he did not want Thor to help him. 

Quickly, Thor grabbed Loki’s shoulder. “Loki, you don’t have to do this! They are cowards. What would your prove by fighting him?” Loki sighed quietly before looking at him. “I’ll be fine, Thor. I don’t need you at my side every moment of my life. I can handle this.” Thor didn’t say anything- could only stare into his brother’s eyes and hope he was making the right decision. He nodded and reluctantly let him go. He understood that Loki felt a need to prove himself, to prove that he wasn’t different from the rest of them. If he was honest with himself, he could admit that he was hoping for the same thing. He saw the terrible gleam in the boy’s eyes as he sheathed his sword and held it out in front of him.

He barely felt the hand on his shoulder, could only focus on how that big brute was sauntering towards Loki like he was meat on a bone. 

“Thor! What the Norns is going on?” he heard Fandral say distantly. Hogun, Volstagg and Sif were standing behind him. “It looks like Loki has gotten himself into a bit of trouble,” Volstagg said humorously. Thor didn’t think this was funny at all. “Should be an interesting fight,” Sif added. He didn’t agree with her sentiment either.

The boy struck first, his sword smashing against Loki’s hammer hard. Thor cringed with the sound. Loki was so much smaller than him- his tiny frame seemed to reverberate with each strike. He was on the defensive, simply trying to stay upright against the series of attacks the boy was hitting him with.

“He had an opportunity to land a good strike to his side.” Hogun said evenly. There was a hum of agreement behind him, and Thor had the urge to knock them over their heads. They didn’t understand. They thought this was simply another challenge- another training session. 

Loki went down with an ‘oof,’ as the boy hit Loki’s face with the hilt of his sword. He landed on his hands and knees, blood spilling from his mouth and to the floor. Thor’s heart clenched tightly in his chest. “Loki watch—” Loki rolled, not a minute too soon, as a fist crushed the floor where his head had been only seconds ago. 

Loki scrambled up and put some distance between him and his opponent, sweat rolling down his face and dripping to the ground. He put the hammer in front of him defensively, and Thor smiled a bit when he saw his brother’s footing- exactly like he instructed them to be. 

“Thor, isn’t that the hammer your father gave you?” Sif asked confusingly. Thor nodded numbly, unable to speak.

Loki attacked, the hammer bouncing off the boy’s sword. He was able to sidestep an attack, and Thor laughed loudly in triumph when he was able to land a solid strike to the boy’s side- a strategy he taught him two days ago. The boy hissed in pain and went to grab him by his hair; Loki ducked, and landed another blow to the boy’s back. Fandral whistled appreciatively. “Looks like the ergi does know how to defend himself like a man,” the boy growled.

“Your brother has learned some new tricks, Thor,” he said not unkindly. Thor smiled happily, unable to stop himself from hoping that maybe-just maybe- Loki could walk away from victorious.

He wasn’t. Loki howled in pain as his leg was cut, a deep slice cutting through the meat of his thigh. Before he could collapse, the boy grabbed him by his shoulders and slammed his face into Loki’s. Blood spurted from his broken nose and he collapsed onto the ground. The boy was on Loki almost immediately, landing punched across his face and chest. “Still a failure then,” he hissed triumphantly. Loki raised one arm to defend himself and with the other he reached across the ground to try to get the hammer he had dropped. 

Thor didn’t know when exactly he decided to act- only remembered seeing the look of desperate fear across his brother’s face- remembered him looking at the hammer only inches out of his reach as if it was the only thing that could save him- and rammed himself right into the boy’s side, tearing him off the Loki. Then there was chaos. 

The boy’s companions immediately went on the offensive, and before Thor could even land a blow to their leader, Thor was grabbed from behind and punched hard in the stomach. His own friends launched into the fight as well, quick to defend their friend and prince.

Thor crawled over to where lay sprawled and gasping for air. “Brother… are you alright?” he asked. He could see that he wasn’t- not really. Loki looked wide-eyed at Thor- and Thor could see the maelstrom of emotions swirling in his brother’s eyes- Anger. Fear. Relief. Shame. 

“Thor loo—” a nearby voice yelled. It was too late. He groaned in pain as the boy landed a hard strike to Thor’s side. He grabbed the boy’s leg when he attempted to kick him again and rolled, taking the boy down with him. He straddled his chest and proceeded to rain down his own set of punches. The boy was able to get his legs underneath him and before Thor realized what was going on, he was flying across the yard. He stumbled up, wiping his hand across his nose to wipe away the blood. He looked around and saw his friends battling the boy’s companions. He glared at the boy, who had gotten into a fighting stance similar to Thor’s.

“Your brother is pitiful Thor. He will never be a true Asgardian. He will always be an ergi- will always need you to come to his aid.” Thor saw red and he screamed as he ran towards the boy, swinging his fist. It was only a couple of minutes before the boy was on the defensive, parrying and blocking Thor’s attacks, stepping backwards as Thor pushed forwards. It was not long before Thor landed a strong strike to his chest, and the boy collapsed backwards. Again, Thor got on top of him, intending to make sure he didn’t get back up, when all of the sudden, he felt a strong sharp pain to his left side. His eyes widened in shock when he saw a small blade imbedded in the skin there. The boy smirked up at him bloodily and used Thor’s shock to punch him in the stomach. Thor fell sideways, gasping. The boy jumped on his chest, ready to attack him again, and then… let out an antagonizing scream. 

Thor looked up at him completely startled and confused. He did not lay a hand on him. The boy screamed and screamed and screamed. He fell, landing on top of Thor, who pushed him off of him and stared down at him, horrified.

“Stop! N-no! Please stop. Don’t do this… please… it hurts!” At this point, everyone had stopped fighting. Everyone stared at the boy, obviously confused about what was happening to him. The boy screamed, more loudly this time, and brought his hands to his face, pressing them into his eyes and hair, as if he meant to rip them out. Thor looked around frantically to his friends, baffled as to what was going on! The boy was now sobbing, shaking his head back and forth wildly, his fingers carving red lines into his neck. 

Thor looked around, desperate to find a solution to this madness… and found it not far from him. Loki had crawled away from where the mêlée had been taking place, and was maliciously smirking at the boy’s sprawled body. His hand was curved out slightly towards him. The sight of his brother this way, engrossed so completely in his magic… scared Thor. This was unlike anything he had ever seen Loki do… this… this was dark magic… Loki intended to cause severe harm to this boy.

He reacted instinctively. He ran towards his brother, wincing as the wound on his side was jostled, and landed in front of him. Loki didn’t even notice that he was there.

“Loki stop! You’re going to kill him!” The boy screamed even louder, his loud sobs echoing in the air. Desperately he grabbed his brother’s shoulders and shook. “Brother! Loki! Stop! Stop!” The boy’s screaming came to a sudden halt. It seemed like forever before Loki snapped out of whatever spell he performed. He looked over at Thor, confused as to why Thor was looking at him the way he was. 

“Thor, what—” He stiffened when he saw the boy lying on the floor, his eyes wide and dazed, rasping for air. Thor gaped at Loki, saw the pieces start connecting in his brother’s head, saw the precise moment when Loki realized that it was he who had done that to the boy, saw his features contort in disgrace as he took in everyone’s fearful and wary expressions… including Thor’s.

“I-I- I sor— I didn’t mean for this to happen. H-He hurt you T-Thor… He hur—” Loki stumbled on his words as he looked right at Thor, desperate to make him believe him. Thor didn’t-couldn’t- say anything. All he could think about was how cruel Loki had looked, how he seemed to relish the boy’s screams and sobs of agony. 

Loki’s face crumbled then when he realized that Thor wouldn’t come to his defense, and looked away then, ashamed. He cast one last bitter glance at all of them, and at the hammer he had clutched in his other hand on the floor. Before Thor could say anything, Loki thrust it back into his arms and ran away as fast as he could.

...

They had taken the boy to the infirmary, where he lay in a coma for a month. His mind had been completely shattered- mangled and torn to bits. The healers were not hopeful that they would be able to piece it back together to its original state.

Loki remained hidden for days following the incident. Mother was frantic with worry. Odin heaved great sighs and rubbed his eyes tiredly when he thought Thor wasn’t looking. He ruffled Thor’s hair fondly and left him in the infirmary by himself. It was in these quiet moments that he glared at the hammer, hating it for all the trouble that it caused, and swore he would put it in the darkest corner of his bedchambers when he was fully healed. And yet… Thor remembered how bitter Loki had looked when he threw the hammer back at him…almost as if he had lost all hope.

()()()

Loki’s funeral came and went. The rest of it was a blur in Thor’s mind. He distantly remembered his friends comforting him, placing warm and tender hands on his shoulders and back, telling him that it was okay. He remembered nodding absently, smiling when he thought he was suppose to. He sensed the conflict in his friends- their dislike for Loki their whole lives battling with the knowledge that he had proven to be loyal in his last moments. Thor was thankful they didn’t voice their doubts. He didn’t know what he would have said or done in response. He excused himself quickly enough, feeling out of touch in with his company, feeling out of touch with everything Asgard had to offer. 

He found himself in Loki’s room. He supposed he felt comforted to be there, surrounded by all of Loki’s possessions. He looked around mournfully- the room seemed so cold now that its occupant was no longer here. The bed was made perfectly- exactly as how Loki left it all those years ago. His desk was organized exactly the way that Loki liked it- parchment in the middle, his ink and quills on the right side, a couple of books of spells on the left. Nothing seemed out of place- everything was in its precise order. For someone who thrived in chaos, Loki was one of the most organized people he’d ever known.

He walked to the desk and sat down in Loki’s chair. He felt a bit uncomfortable sitting there, if he was being honest. How many times had Loki sat here, making excuses not to go out with Thor and his friends, to hide from the strange looks they (everyone) gave him, finding peace in only his books and spells? How many times had he paced his room, trying to understand why he was perceived so differently?

His mind kept going to that day in the courtyard, of how things went so terribly wrong. They were such children then, thinking that they could tackle all their problems on their own. He had been terrified of Loki’s use of his power then, having only been a victim to his more innocent tricks up until then. It was during those moments that he became fully aware of Loki’s deep grasp of sorcery, the reason for why perhaps the he had not wanted to use it on the boys initially. It had only been when he thought that Thor was in danger did he decide to use it. His fear stopped him from seeing that all those years ago. His own secret prejudice against magic. His own secret desire to have Loki fit in like the rest of them. Now… Now he knew. 

The opening of the door startled Thor, and he stood up quickly. He was surprised when his father walked in. If his father was at all surprised to find Thor there, he did not show it. He stared at Thor, sighed gently, and walked into the room.

“Father,” he said lamely.

He did not reply. He walked to the bed and slowly sat down. Thor remembered years ago how tall his father stood- how mighty and powerful he had seemed to him. Invincible. Not anymore. His father looked old and frail-as if he held the universe on his shoulder and couldn’t stand the weight of it anymore. It was just the two of them. Thor didn’t have any words to say to his father. He coughed roughly staring at the floor next to his father, wondering whether anything would be the same between them again.

“I will leave if that’s what you want.” With that, he started to walk away, not entirely sure himself if he meant to leave the room or Asgard entirely. He was at the door before he heard his father chuckle. He looked at Odin as he stared curiously at Loki’s room. He smoothed out the satin sheets that lay under him. 

“Did you know that when I first picked Loki up from that rock on Jotunheim, I thought to kill him.” Thor stopped in his tracks, surprised to hear his father admit this. “He was a small thing-a runt compared to his brethren -and was left to die in the cold. He was crying. I thought to give him a clean and quick death- no child- Asgardian or Frost Giant- should have to die suffering.” Thor turned around and found his father staring at him. “I was ready to crush his skull. In that moment, however, his cries ceased. He only looked at me and smiled.” Odin smiled at the memory, looking downwards. Thor released a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and walked back to his father. Gently he sat besides him, staring at the floor. “I gazed into his eyes, and saw the eyes of every child I’ve ever encountered in my life. I saw your eyes, Thor. And I knew that I couldn’t kill him, this child who was cast out by his family for being different. I resolved to take him in, to adopt him into our family…to be the father Laufey refused to be. You never once doubted that he was your brother.” 

Thor couldn’t understand why his father was telling him this now. He stared at Odin, visualizing him holding Loki all those years ago, deciding whether or not to kill him. He shuddered at the possibility of never knowing a brother. Odin rubbed his hands over his face tiredly, mournfully. “I failed Loki as both his king and his father. I distanced myself from him when I saw that he was different- let Frigga comfort him when I knew it was I he yearned for. I saw the darkness festering inside of Loki with each passing day and I did nothing. In the end, I turned out just like Laufey, abandoning him when he needed me most.” Thor wanted to comfort his father, to argue that he hadn’t. But he didn’t say anything, not when he knew that they all had failed Loki.

I’ve only ever wanted to be your equal.

“Father…we are both at fault what happened to Loki.” 

Odin scoffed at that, shook his head. “He wanted my approval, my respect, and I failed in providing that to him. For that, the fault is my own.”

“No, father. I cast him away, made him think he was unworthy of my time and understanding. I didn’t defend him when he needed me. I made him feel just as different.” Thor grasped his father’s hand timidly, not sure if his touch would be appreciated. “We’re both to blame.” Odin didn’t say anything, merely squeezed Thor’s hand.

“My son died thinking I never truly loved him.” A single tear escaped Odin’s eye and rolled down his face.

And suddenly this was too much for Thor to contemplate, and his yearning for physical contact, so similar to when he was a young lad, made him lean towards his father and wrap his arms around his waist. As expected, Odin went stiff with tension. When was the last time Thor hugged him like this, had been allowed to hug him like this? Thor was about to release him, thinking that maybe he has overstepped his bounds, when he felt warm hands wrap around his shoulders and head. He closed his eyes in relief and sunk even deeper into his father’s embrace, not fully realizing how scared he was of being rejected. His father was the only family he had left. And perhaps there wasn’t any absolution, for either of them. But Thor didn’t want to believe that, couldn’t let his father live the rest of his life believing that.

He spoke carefully. “Deep down… under all that darkness, Loki loved you.” As he said the words, he doubted their truth. Had Loki loved their father in the end? Even he wasn’t sure. I didn’t do it for him. Only Loki knew how he felt… and he was dead. The living had to make due with what they had. With their memories… and their hopes. Whether Odin believed him or not, he did not say. He simply sighed gently, all the while holding Thor close to him. They stayed like that for a long time.

()()()  
It was late in the night when Thor heard the door to his room creek open. He sighed silently but didn’t say anything, not even when the other side of the bed dipped down and a pair of thin arms wrapped around his waist.

“Thor? Are you awake?” Loki. Thor turned over and stared at his brother. Even in the darkness his green eyes glinted.

“Now I am,” Thor whispered. Loki grinned, his eyes twinkling. Thor smiled in response. They stared at each other, content to be in the other’s presence for a while. But Thor knew why Loki was here- the same reason why he was here last night, and the night before that one.

“Did you have another nightmare?” Loki’s grin dropped from his face and his eyes became fearful. He nodded. Thor smiles reassuringly. “You don’t have to be afraid Loki. They’re only dreams.”

Tears began to pool in his brother’s eyes. “This one felt real Thor. I was trapped in darkness and no matter how much I screamed for help n-nobody came.” Thor felt a chill go down his spine as Loki told him his nightmare. “I was suffocating. A—And… red eyes Thor! Angry and cruel red eyes! They were bearing down on me, watching me as I d-died!” Tears leaked from Loki’s eyes in earnest now. 

Thor’s heart tightened in his chest. He hated seeing his brother in pain and feeling absolutely powerless to stop it. He did the only thing he could do- he held Loki tight against him and stroked his soft black hair softly. “Shh it’s alright brother. I’m here. And I won’t let anyone hurt you. You know that don’t you? I’m your big brother. And brother’s don’t abandon each other.” 

“But what if one day you’re not there?” Loki whispered uncertainly. 

Thor thought about that, about the possibility of Loki being in trouble and him not being there to help him. As Loki stared up at him with his scared eyes, he knew he couldn’t spill the lies that wanted to come out of his mouth, that that he would always be there for him, that he would always be safe. Instead he pressed a kiss to Loki’s brow.

“We don’t know what the future holds in store for us, Loki. But I can promise you that I will always do everything I can to make sure your safe. I love you.”

Loki nodded slowly and snuggled deeper into Thor’s embrace. “I love you too, Thor.” Thor hummed in contentment and closes his eyes, his eyes heavy with sleep. “Can I sleep with you tonight?” 

Thor was already moving over. “Of course you can.” Loki grinned again, and settled comfortingly besides him. “Sleep Loki. I’m here.”

They fell asleep like that.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Good? Bad? Let me know! The title of the story came from the song “I Bet My Life” by Imagine Dragons. Hope everyone had a great holiday and happy new year! 
> 
> Also, can anyone tell me how I can properly italicize certain parts of my stories on this website? They are italicized in my document on my computer but for some reason dont make it on this website. I'm sorry if this made this story difficult to follow.
> 
> Come find me on Tumblr: ObsessedWithMakeBelieve


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